Pax (funcrunch) wrote,

Come back, Mark!

My favorite newspaper columnist, the deliciously twisted Mark Morford, seems to be a wee bit late with his twice-weekly online column and thrice-weekly e-mail newsletter this week. I am hoping he is just on vacation (even e-mailed him to inquire such). But in the horrible yet not impossible event that he has been suspended or canned for excessive profanity, given our puritanical times, I have deigned to write a condensed version of today's column for him.

Gay marriage halted, anarchy still curiously absent

The California Supreme court, in one reactionary homophobic anticonstitutional sweeping motion of its pen, put a halt to gay marriages. They cited the need to follow the law, the one passed by the good centrist straight married missionary-position couples of this state, especially those in the Orange County area, without regard to what the obviously deluded centrist straight married mayor of San Francisco thinks the law should be. In protest, hoardes of angry gay couples completely failed to form a hostile flaming-dildo-pelting crowd around the court, contrary to the Governator's predictions of all anarchy breaking loose, instead waving their marriage licenses and interlocked loving hands from the Castro to the court chanting for love, respect, justice, and understanding, concepts that the conservative anti-gay-marriage groups will likely say that the good straight married founders of this country never had in mind when applied to anyone but themselves.

School funding cuts, Jill and Johnny's noses to the grindstone

Meanwhile, boys and girls in West Contra Costa face a future without sports, libraries, counselors, or music, those oh-so-dispensable meaningless bits of liberal pansy fluff that distract kids from the solid meaty reading, writing, and 'rithmatic that they need in order to grow up to be good respectable homeowners who do not want to pay an extra $80 per year on their half-million-dollar homes, thank you very much, thattaboy Johnny, just keep studying that economics textbook and you'll see that all those commie politicians who want to raise your taxes don't really know what's good fer ya.

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