But I'm aware that my desire to be thinner may have a tinge of obsessiveness about it. I'm certainly not in danger of anorexia or anything, but I do tend to focus too much on numbers when it comes to weight, as much as I tell myself I shouldn't do that. This point was hammered home when I started to re-reread the book Making the Connection by Oprah Winfrey and Bob Greene, her trainer whose fitness program I'm (mostly) following, last night. Oprah's long introduction contains a number of journal entries where she beats herself up over her yo-yoing weight, often giving the exact number of pounds, and telling herself things like she must fast to fit into such-and-such a dress by the time of a certain event.
Reading her account made me sad for a number of reasons. One is that I know that following the publication of this book, though she had completed a marathon before, she regained all or nearly all of the weight she lost, and has tried a number of different diets since then. But another, more important reason, is that this woman is a billionaire, one of the richest, most successful celebrities on the planet, and here she is obsessing about her weight. She was writing about working 20-hour days, and yet felt powerless over her body.
I put the book away and vowed to adopt a more moderate attitude toward my weight. I was tempted to smash our bathroom scale, but it's a professional doctor's model that belongs to boyziggy (though he got it for free) so I'm not going to do that. I was also tempted, no doubt partly due to sleep deprivation and mild depression today, to go out to Mel's and get a veggie burger with cheese, fries, and a chocolate malted milkshake. But the last time I did this I got stomach cramps and diarrhea, and it didn't really make me feel any better. Plus, I really don't need to be spending money eating out unnecessarily, especially while I'm unemployed.
So I pulled myself together and prepared one of my favorite recipes, beans and rice. I don't care if it's stereotypical vegetarian food or stereotypical poverty food. I eat it because it tastes good. The facts that it's nutritious and inexpensive are just bonuses. While waiting I had a slice of whole-wheat bread and a sliced apple with dates - yum. Who needs Mel's?