|Oct. 7th, 2013 05:05 pm Invisibly trans*|
I was trying on new glasses today for the first time in over four years. I brought boyziggy with me for a second opinion. I had originally intended to get squarish black Buddy Holly-style frames to try to make my face look less feminine. But everything in that style I tried on looked horrible on me; they just overwhelmed my face. I eventually settled on roundish silvery frames instead. Still different from the rimless style I've been sporting for most of the last decade, but not particularly masculine.9 notes - Make notes
And you know what? That's OK. Because frankly, I like what I see in the mirror, and I don't particularly want to change my appearance. Forcing myself into clothing, hairstyles, or accessories that society deems more masculine just doesn't seem worth it when those things aren't what define sex or gender to me. The only parts of my body I'd like to change are ones that are normally seen only by doctors and sex partners.
So at least for now I will remain invisibly trans*, always reading as female and deciding on a person-by-person basis whether or not to insist on gender-neutral pronouns. It's uncomfortable, but I have it a hell of a lot easier than many trans* people, for example those assigned male at birth who read as male but like to wear dresses and makeup. Most of the discomfort I currently deal with (besides my genital dysphoria) is due to perfectly innocent misgendering, not outright harassment. Though there's still the issue of gendered public restrooms... *sigh*
The phases go kinda like this:
1) I want people to see me as I really am. So I will try to look like that.
2) Fuck that isn't working, I might as well just look how the fuck I want.
3) But people think I look like I have normal gender. This is very wrong.
4) If I try harder to make them see me as I am at least they will think I look like a freak, which will be closer to the truth. Because I am a freak.
5) I am tired of trying, it's too much effort for little reward, I will go back to wearing what the fuck I want. (repeat from step 3)
Basically, I feel like if people don't have a mental place for what I am they should look at me and say "I don't know what the fuck that is" rather than "I can place that into one of the boxes in my head, close enough". The former is less wrong than the latter.