Invisibly trans* - the funcrunch files — LiveJournal
|Oct. 7th, 2013 05:05 pm Invisibly trans*9 notes - Make notes |
I feel like I go through alternating phases of "I'm going to wear what the fuck I want" and "wearing what the fuck I want gives people the wrong impression - I need to look more queer". At the present I'm in the latter phase.
I wouldn't know how to give people the "right" impression in my case, because my identity doesn't exist as far as the vast majority of people are concerned.
Neither do I, but what I do now is wrong. So wrong. It's possible to be less wrong.
"Wrong" meaning "more conventional" or... ?
The phases go kinda like this:
1) I want people to see me as I really am. So I will try to look like that.
2) Fuck that isn't working, I might as well just look how the fuck I want.
3) But people think I look like I have normal gender. This is very wrong.
4) If I try harder to make them see me as I am at least they will think I look like a freak, which will be closer to the truth. Because I am a freak.
5) I am tired of trying, it's too much effort for little reward, I will go back to wearing what the fuck I want. (repeat from step 3)
Basically, I feel like if people don't have a mental place for what I am they should look at me and say "I don't know what the fuck that is" rather than "I can place that into one of the boxes in my head, close enough". The former is less wrong than the latter.
I understand what you're saying. I just don't want to draw that much attention to myself.
I'm not saying anything about what you should do. That's why there were all those "I"s in there.
I know. We all have to figure out how to live with our freakishness.